He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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