I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
