just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
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Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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