So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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