i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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