The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
