I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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