haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
