A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
