We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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