you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
