Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
