I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
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you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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