so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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