The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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