Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
