Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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