Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
