I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.