This is evicking siegelnvs
This is fucking ridiculous*
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
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Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.