My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
