So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
