Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
