I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
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