he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We got so high we made milksteak
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize