you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
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You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
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that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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