I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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