Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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