Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
