I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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