what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
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I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
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Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.