party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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