Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
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yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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