Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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