Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
