i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
