There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
