So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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