I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
