i permit you to call me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
