dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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