i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
