i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
