dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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