Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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