so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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