I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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