Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
