Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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