i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
