I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Acid is not a monday night drug
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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