u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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