Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
