then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
