you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
