Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
