I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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