If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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