I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
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those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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