you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
