Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
