I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
