My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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