She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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