How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
