We need to rekindle our bromance
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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