im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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